I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
