If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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