I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I lost the right to judge tonight
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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