I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
