roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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