Welp...herpes.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
