Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
