what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
