I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
