one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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