He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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