I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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