Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
