I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
