Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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