I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
