and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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