i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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