weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
