my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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