A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
