To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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