everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
