I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
