Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
