My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
