im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
