I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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