I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
