Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up under a house in Key West
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
