Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
