I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
my liver is dry heaving
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
