I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Text me some of your sweat
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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