Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
