I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
