If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
