Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He's a Shit stain on my heart
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
do nipples grow back?
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