as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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