I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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