The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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