Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
