I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
