I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Drunk is a universal language darling
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
