my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
