I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
