i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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