Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
