this just has baby written all over it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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