my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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