I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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