we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The ass gains better be worth it
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